Drugs Now Legal If User Is Employed | The Onion - America's Finest News Source: "Seeking to 'narrow the focus of the drug war to the true enemy,' Congress passed a bill legalizing drug use for the gainfully employed Monday.

'Stockbrokers, lawyers, English professors... you're not the problem here,' said DEA Administrator Asa Hutchinson at a White House press conference. 'If you are paying taxes and keeping your yard tidy, we're not going to hassle you if you come home from a hard day of work and want to enjoy a little pot or blow. But if, on the other hand, you're one of these lazy, shiftless types hanging out on the street all day looking for your next high, we're coming after you.'"

(Via The Onion.)